on integrity & omission

retro: my cofounder has greatly challenged my conviction in the black and white binary i’ve presented in this… writing. i’ll probably write a part 2 at some point detailing the counter

tl;dr.

• I think you’re virtuous if you have integrity - and demonstrating integrity requires cost.

• I think you’re evil if you keep circles of trust, think omission isn’t lying, think “what they don’t know won’t hurt them” and wouldn’t proactively tell your dad about chopping down the cherry tree before asked

• this is mostly a defensive article - i want to surround myself with people w/ integrity so i can be more relaxed

integrity is corrupted as we grow up

everyone’s heard of george washington and the cherry tree

the cherry tree myth says that despite the risk of punishment, washington told the truth

it implies that true integrity is when we risk cost but do so with no benefit to self

it carries forward through legend, through the centuries, because it appeals to some persistent deeper desire we have

because knowing your friend is honest means you know your friend has your back. you don’t need to play adversarial games with them to extract information. you know they’ll tell you as information comes up

for some reason most people wince when i declare “omission is the same as lying, and omission of truths you know the other party might want to hear means you lack integrity”

we first hit this conflict when we hear “white lies“ contrasted to “integrity”

the first time we heard “if you have nothing nice to say… don’t say anything”

which was supposed to mean “don’t be deceitfully mean… don’t tell someone they’re ugly if they’re not ugly and you’re just trying to bring them down”

but people construe it to mean “even if they’re ugly, don’t tell them they’re ugly, because that could hurt their feelings”

and then it rolls into “white lies good - the world is full of shades of grey”

and suddenly we think it’s ok to tell your friends that they’re talented when they’re not. that they deserve better when they don’t. that it’s not their fault when it is

and then we think it’s ok to not tell your friend you didn’t forget their birthday, you just didn’t care. or that it’s ok to tell them you’re on the way when you’re not and didn’t care about being on time. or that it’s ok to respond “maybe” on a party invite instead of telling them “you just don’t want to go”

and then we think it’s ok to not tell your neighbor that you accidentally stepped on their flowers… or broke their window playing baseball… or chopped down the cherry tree

and evil people [or really just people who are further along the spectrum of jaded-ness] tell us “what they don’t know won’t hurt them” and we pretend that something that is obviously a vice… because it makes us feel special, is an ok thing to say

I DON’T WANNA

i want to be able to turn my back to a certain direction, knowing that i have friends looking in that direction, and fi there’s something they notice that i might not notice they will absolutely tell me

i don’t want to have to play weird games to make sure my friends feel comfortable calling me out

i don’t want to be friends with people who don’t want to be called out on things they missed

i don’t want to be friends with people who don’t want to call each other out

i don’t want to be friends with people who treat confrontation as a vice - and think that integrity is optional and we shoulda ll live in bubbles and actually strive to live in bubbles

so it hurts me when i see people omit things

it hurts me when people leave the silent part unsaid

it hurts me

and it makes me sad

true integrity and costly signaling

if your friend is hot and they ask you how they look and you tell them they look hot that’s not a sign of “honesty” any more than telling someone the sky is blue is a sign of honesty

CHARACTER is only demonstrated when the demonstration of that character comes with a cost

integrity is only demonstrated when the execution of that integrity has a cost

i only TRUST people who get the opportunity to forgo personal gain with the cost of fucking me over and choose to forego that personal gain to not fuck me over.

there can be no greater demonstration of virtue

self-aware virtue signaling

it appears as though all i want is to hold a higher standard for the social contract of my personal relationships - and relegate everyone who fails to meet this bar as “the other”

because i only have a single pane of truth

corporate single pane of truth

i try to operate with pane of truth in work. this stands in contrast to “circles of trust“. i don’t trust people who have circles of trust. the words of people who have circles of trust carry no premium and are evaluated at heavy discount to me

what we tell the public

• is what we tell our investors

• is what we tell our customers

• is what we tell our team

• is what we tell our friends

• is what we tell our family

• is what we tell our selves in the mirror when we go to bed at night

• is what we tell prospective investors, customers, and teammates

we do not exaggerate at any layer. we do not sandbag at any layer. we have one source of truth. if you keep circles of trust where you meticulously calculate how much truth to share with what layer and what version of the truth to weave in your web of lies… i do not want to work with you. i do not want to be friend with you. i do not want to talk to you.

retro:

my cofounder has pointed out numerous other reasons why legitimate drives sometimes result in conflict. whether it’s privacy. or explicit conflict. on what level integrity matters - to which i feel like it only matters on the meta-game… to the honor in a rabbit outrunning a lion, vs hiding from a lion, vs a chameleon hiding from a lion.

part 2… eventually